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SUNDAY, JUNE 10, 2012
Live at Beacon Theater

Celebrating Broadway Abs, Onstage Kink and Male Lingerie: Tony Awards We'd Love to See

Celebrating Broadway Abs, Onstage Kink and Male Lingerie: Tony Awards We'd Love to See
Presenting 25 Tony categories that should have been instituted for 2012.

On June 10, a select group of theater professionals will get to take home Broadway's biggest honor: a Tony Award. Although we're eager to congratulate the Best Actors and Best Featured Actresses,'s editors feel it's high time to bestow awards in some less-obvious categories! Below is our list of 25 fictional Tonys we would love to hand out at the Beacon Theater. Take a look, and see if you agree.

Best Drug Trip Not Caused by Actually Taking Drugs: Staring at the '70s-inspired optical illusion sets of On a Clear Day You Can See Forever.

Best Reason Not to Waste Time Reading Fifty Shades of Grey: The incredibly kinky, yet intellectually stimulating Venus in Fur. (Runner-up: The leather and whip-heavy wardrobe of the temple denizens in Jesus Christ Superstar.)

Best High-Flying Moment Not From Spider-Man: Judy Kaye swinging from a chandelier while singing “Looking for a Boy” in Nice Work If You Can Get It.

Best Proof That It's Never Too Late to Play an Ingenue: Patti LuPone’s emotional turn as Julie in a condensed version of Carousel from An Evening with Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin.

Here! Just Take a Trophy for Taking Your Shirt Off Award: Richard Fleeshman in Ghost.

Here! Just Take a Trophy and Put Your Shirt Back On Award: John Lithgow in The Columnist.

Most Misleading Title Award: Basketball drama Magic/Bird, which did not include any enchanted winged creatures.

Best Performance by a Spider-Man not in Spider-Man: Andrew Garfield in Death of a Salesman.

Best Argument for the Use of Male Lingerie: The inventive mermaid bras sported by the Peter and the Starcatcher cast during the act two opener “Mermaid Out of Me.”

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It Award: Just four months after ending the Harry Potter film series, Alan Rickman once again hilariously played an intimidating, dry and stern Snape-like teacher in Seminar.

Best Super-Buff, Well-Nourished Teen Orphans From the 19th Century: The cast of Newsies.

Set Piece You’d Most Like for Your Own Apartment: The massive, yet sleek fireplace in the Wyeth family living room of Other Desert Cities.

Set Piece You’d Never Want In Your Own Apartment: The giant falling baby in Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark.

Best Musical Trend: The delightful pre-show concerts at Once and One Man, Two Guvnors. Bonus points to Once for serving drinks on stage, too!

Best Tactic to Make Broadway Good Girls Go Bad: Send her back to the Prohibition days and hand her a gun. Case in point: Laura Osnes (Bonnie & Clyde) and Kelli O’Hara (Nice Work If You Can Get It).

Best Joke We’re Constantly Telling Friends and Pretending is Our Own: The tampon joke from Clybourne Park.

Best Dental Work for the Biblical Age: Hunter Parrish’s pearly white grin in Godspell.

Best Case for Non-Traditional Marriages: Woody Allen’s bizarre and somewhat true to life “father ends up with daughter-in-law” ending of Honeymoon Suite from Relatively Speaking.

Worst Case for Traditional Marriages: The epic “Loveland” numbers of Follies as Danny Burstein, Bernadette Peters, Jan Maxwell and Ron Raines sing about their crumbling relationships.

Good Sport Award: Liz Mikel for slipping into a skin-tight onesie every night in Lysistrata Jones' brothel scene.

Award for Most Hours Spent in a Yoga Studio: Tracie Bennett for her mind-blowingly flexible dance moves in End of the Rainbow.

Give 'em a Hand (Literally!) Award: Christian Borle's dismemberment gag in Peter and the Starcatcher. (Runner-Up: Tom Edden's tremor induced clumsy waiter skills in One Man, Two Guvnors.) 

Happiest Revolutionary Award: The always-smiley Ricky Martin in Evita.

Show Up on Stage and People Will Hand Over Their Life Savings to Score a Ticket Award: Hugh Jackman for his magnificently entertaining sell-out solo show Hugh Jackman, Back on Broadway

Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps Award: Jeremy Jordan for surviving fall flop Bonnie & Clyde only to headline one of the season's biggest hits (and score a Tony nomination) two months later in Newsies.


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