Joan Rivers Pines for Orlando Bloom, Ricky Martin Wants to Go It Alone and More Lessons of the Week

As the lights come down on another busy week on Broadway, we’ve learned a ton of fascinating lessons from our favorite stars. From Jonathan Groff's HBO sexcapades to Lesli Margherita's poop-topped cookie, check out what we've learned from all the cool (and borderline crazy) stuff that's come our way in the last seven days.

Joan Rivers Has Sworn Her Love to Orlando Bloom
Joan Rivers uses her caustic wit to take down Hollywood royalty in the name of humor, but her love for Orlando Bloom is as boundless as the sea. The legendary comedienne and Fashion Police chief went backstage at the Richard Rodgers Theatre this week to declare her devotion to the Romeo and Juliet star with a poster that read: "Wherefore art thou Orlando? I'm the original Juliet." Don't worry, Condola Rashad isn't going anywhere, but wouldn't you like to see a Harold and Maude-esque take on the Shakespearean tale? No? Just us? OK.

Jonathan Groff Won't Be Having Smutty Sex on TV
This week, our favorite person in the world—a.k.a. Jonathan Groff—spoke about his gay sex scenes in HBO's forthcoming series Looking. Naturally, our ears perked way up. The Broadway and Glee alum said that the show will portray the "reality of gay sex as opposed to the salaciousness" and that when people watch it, they'll think, "Oh, I’ve had that exact experience." Say whaaa? Listen, we know Groff is comfy with saucy scenes and nudity in Twelve Thirty (Google it!), but this is beyond. There should be a punch line here, but we're still too busy Googling.

Lesli Margherita's Cookies Are Made with Pooch Poop
Everybody we know is addicted to Schmackary's lip-schmackin' cookies, including Looks Not Books video blogger Lesli Margherita. The Matilda star was beyond thrilled when she found out she was being honored with her very own delicious baked treat! Margherita's cookie has everything her fans would want: a chocolate cookie base topped with delicious frosting, pink and purple sugar dust and...a pile of chocolate (we hope) doggie doo doo?! We don't know why Fido's feces are on Lesli's cookies, but we think Stewie might be able to shed some light on it.

Skylar Astin Would Love to Be Tormented by Buttercup
If you're lucky enough to live or work in Times Square, you can start every day with a Starbucks latte, the sound of blaring car horns and a billboard of a shirtless Skylar Astin lying in bed. Astin told us he's slightly uncomfortable with the enormous publicity photo for his TBS series Ground Floor, but the Pitch Perfect star would be perfectly comfortable returning to Broadway in Disney's just-announced stage version of The Princess Bride as heroic farm boy Westley. "Absolutely! I’d do it in a heartbeat," he said. As you wish, Skylar! We might just be rooting for you in our Weekend Poll. Wink, wink.

Cameron Diaz Is Going HAM as Annie's Miss Hannigan
Remember when Cameron Diaz was the sweet, fresh-faced, 20-year-old (puhhhlease!) college student stealing Julia Roberts' man in My Best Friend's Wedding? Well, kiss those days goodbye because Diaz has transformed Annie's already haggard Miss Hannigan into a straight-up hot mess for the movie musical remake. The actress tweeted a photo of herself on set as the mean-spirited matron decked out in a gold H-Bomb necklace, sweater and cut-off jeans shorts. That's funny, we didn't realize Cam was channeling Miley Cyrus in Will Gluck's adaptation. #itneedstostop

Mark Rylance Is Our New Vitameatavegamin Girl
Hello, friends! Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? Well, the answer to your problems is in two-time Tony winner Mark Rylance…er, Lucille Ball. Rylance, who is earning raves as Olivia in Twelfth Night and the title king in Richard III, told us that the iconic American comedienne helped inspire his performances. "I got a lot of comedy ideas as a kid from I Love Lucy," he confessed. Those people looking for a serious take Richard III? Rylance has some splainin' to do.

Jennifer Hudson Needs to Bite the Broadway Bullet
If we had a dollar for every time Jennifer Hudson talked about coming to Broadway, we'd have three dollars, because that's how many times we've written about it. Who knows how many times she's mentioned it behind our backs?! The Oscar winner brings up her Broadway dreams every single year, and we're not sure how many more times we can take it. Look here, J-Hud, we don't care if it's a Dreamgirls revival, The Bodyguard transfer or you standing on stage alone screaming your face off! But you're messing with our blood pressure. We get it: We're going to loooove you. Yeesh.

Darren Criss & Lea Salonga Tried Out for Aladdin at a Bar
Disney's Aladdin will be taking a magic carpet ride to the Great White Way before you know it, with Adam Jacobs and Courtney Reed bringing the title role and Jasmine to life. But, this week, it was Glee's Darren Criss and Tony winner Lea Salonga's take on our fave street urchin and Arabian princess that had us thanking our lucky stars and rubbing our magic lamps. The two performed "A Whole New World" at NYC's Marie's Crisis, and we literally can't stop watching. Who cares that we've done the same thing there a dozen times and nobody claps like that? Yep, bitter, party of two.

Alanis Morissette Wants to Air Her Dirty Laundry on Broadway
If Green Day can do it, so can Alanis Morissette! Cue the "'you oughta know' I'll be getting tickets jokes" because Morrisette is developing her 1995 hit album Jagged Little Pill into a musical. No word on what the plot will be, but let's all remember that it was reportedly her breakup with Full House star Dave Coulier that fueled the men-are-scum LP and made us imagine what Uncle Joey looks like getting…uh…pleasured in a theater. Children of the '90s, take note—that boy or girl you dissed on MySpace or unfriended on Facebook might just be the next alt-rocker with a grudge.

Ricky Martin Doesn't Want to Share the Stage with Anyone
Ricky Martin was a smash as Che in Broadway's Evita ,and we've been wanting him to shake his bon-bon on the Rialto again ever since. Luckily, when he was asked about a stage return during an appearance on Live! with Kelly and Michael, the Grammy winner's response had us livin' la vida loca. "I love being on Broadway. Let’s see what happens. I would like to do a one-man show," he said. Hey, it worked out well for Hugh Jackman! Ricky, you've got the chops, the songs and, Lord knows, the charisma. Our only request is that you do it in that pantless look of yours.