Chita Rivera Goes Gangsta, Darren Criss Jingles Bells & More Lessons of the Week

It may be the end of December, but there’s still plenty to learn from the past seven days on and off Broadway. For instance, there was a lot to be learned from Mandy Patinkin’s baby freak-out, Cheyenne Jackson’s gleefully gay music video and more happenings from across the city. Read on for the lessons of the week, and check back next week for the top 10 lessons of the year!

Mandy Patinkin Can't Get Enough Babies!
Homeland star Mandy Patinkin got the most exhilarating news of his life during a TV interview this week. The news anchor chatting with the Broadway legend had to duck out early because his wife went into labor. Oy, did Patinkin squeal with delight upon learning the news, calling it “the most thrilling thing that that’s ever happened to me.” Being the mensch that he is, he even made sure to ask for updates from the hospital. We can think of no better belated Chanukah gift than Mandy yelling, "Mazel tov!" (Homeland spoilers from next season would be a close second.)

Holidays Are All About Whores and Slaves
Sometimes the spirit of Christmas can get lost in the shuffle, but thankfully Anne Hathaway and Samuel L. Jackson reminded us of the true meaning of the holidays: remembering the misfortune of French prostitutes and slaves. Repping Les Misérables (in which Hathaway plays a tuberculosis-ridden hooker) and Django Unchained (in which Jackson plays a slave to a sadistic plantation owner), the two A-listers went head to head to see whose film character was sadder. Haven't you heard? Being desolate is the new jolly! Merry everything!

Broadway Stars Resolve to Change, But Probably Won’t
Just like everyone else, Broadway actors are making their resolutions for the new year—and just like everyone else, they probably won’t be keeping them. But we’re still hoping that our favorite stage stars will keep their promises, which this year include everything from Andy Karl’s vow to up his skin care regimen to Celia Keenan-Bolger’s newfound commitment to culture and kale. It's awesome that Broadway stars are resolving to better themselves. See y'all at the gym for the first two weeks of January!

Beth Leavel Has Soiled Sheets
When Beth Leavel recounted her favorite career roles, the Tony-winning actress revealed that she may have gotten a little too baked while playing Greek island dweller Donna Sheridan in Mamma Mia!. “I was tan for a year and a half, which was awesome, but my sheets are still a little orange,” laughed Leavel. There’s a solution, Beth: get a Blue Man, an Elphaba and that chick who played Carrie to roll around in your bed for a minute, and no one will even notice the orange!

Cheyenne Jackson Is Blind to Beefcake
In Cheyenne Jackson’s new music video “Don’t Wanna Know,” the Broadway stud doubts his significant other’s fidelity and dances his way to a coffee shop to confront the unfaithful lover. But wake up, Cheyenne! Didn't you notice the cadre of hotties you passed on the way? Hello, Nick Adams in a tight policeman outfit! How's it going, generic construction worker with biceps on his biceps? If Cheyenne doesn’t want to take up these abdominally abundant opportunities, we’ll gladly step in.

Chita Rivera Could Have a Future Rap Career
The Mystery of Edwin Drood reached a new height of ridiculousness this week with the debut of Andy Karl’s hilarious music video “Bustle Fluffah.” While the cast’s dance moves are impressive, the real scene-stealer is stage legend Chita Rivera, who shakes her stuff, chugs champagne and generally parties like it’s 1899. Should she choose to pursue it, there's definitely a hip-hop career in Rivera's future. The only question is what she'll choose as her rapper name. She's credited as "Miss Boogie Woogie," but may we suggest Chi Dogg? Chi Chi Ri? Mamacita Chita? The possibilities are endless!

Don’t End Up on Wayne Knight’s Spit List
He's playing Santa in the Broadway production of Elf, so Wayne Knight certainly isn’t above putting someone on his naughty list. In his Ask A Star video, Knight recalled receiving a face full of dinosaur spit in Jurassic Park from a crew member. “Turns out that guy now lives across the street from me in California. Got a nicer house than I do,” said an outraged Knight. So he's the type to hold a grudge, eh? Better not tell him how big the real Santa’s digs at the North Pole are.

Andrew Rannells Can’t Wait for Cocaine
OK, Andrew Rannells doesn’t actually have a cocaine problem, but his character Elijah on HBO’s Girls definitely picks up something of a powdery habit in the show’s upcoming second season. “If we had consumed that much cocaine, we would be dead,” Rannells said of the coked-up characters on the hit show. Don’t worry, impressionable ones: he only snorted B12 vitamins, not actual happy dust. He may not be flying high on drugs, but his immune system is amazing.

Dee Snider Wants to Rock Out with Cheno
These days, Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider has Broadway on his mind, and one of his dream duet partners is Broadway baby Kristin Chenoweth. Chenoweth confessed to feeling cool at the prospect of teaming up with the rock star, which means that this performance must happen. Can you imagine Snider sporting 4-inch heels singing "Popular"? Or Chenoweth teasing out her hair, piling on the eyeshadow and screeching out "We're Not Gonna Take It?" Either way, it'll be one duet that you definitely won't find anywhere else. (Something to think about, Ozzy Osbourne and Idina Menzel?)

Darren Criss Makes the Perfect Christmas Present
Ho ho ho indeed! In what may be the sexiest candy cane-related photo shoot this year, Darren Criss has made us weak in the knees (again!) with his steamy entry in Glee’s Men of McKinley calendar. As Mr. December 2013, Criss did a little holiday waxing in order to look seasonally smooth, and it works. Chest hair or not, we’re thankful for this early Christmas gift, which proves that, yes, Santa really is listening.