Stressed Over Valentine’s Day? Just Be Glad You’re Not On These Awful Broadway Dates We Dreamed Up

Valentine’s Day is upon us, and we realize it can be a stressful time, whether you’re in love with a wonderful guy (or girl), looking for somebody to hold you too close or in full “I Hate Men” mode. Fortunately for you, you’re not currently on a train wreck of a date with a fictional Broadway character. We played matchmaker matchmaker with a few musical theater favorites then imagined how their nights would go down. Using Plotagon, we’ve simulated our bizarre cross-fiction for your viewing pleasure. Take a look below.


The Phantom & Elphaba
Elphaba is one smart Wicked witch, but like all of us, she occasionally has a lapse in judgment. (Seriously, why would you run upstairs to an attic when you’re fleeing?) She probably could have predicted that a visit to Phantom’s box five would not have ended well, either. Her date has little respect for boundaries, but Elphaba holds her own. If she’s flying solo, at least she’s flying free from a possessive creeper.


Norma Desmond & Lola
We all have our quirks in relationships. Some of us use obnoxious pet names. Others are PDA culprits. And some perpetually obsess over young artists and don’t let them leave their mansion. The Sunset Boulevard diva didn’t learn her lesson with Joe Gillis, and that doesn’t bode will for her new relationship with the Kinky Boots' thigh-high-clad drag queen. Let’s hope things turn out better in the Land of Lola.


Velma Kelly & Aaron Burr
You’d think a merry murderess and the damn fool that shot Alexander Hamilton would hit it off on a blind date. The Chicago and Hamilton scoundrels have so much in common, including a penchant for homicide, jealousy and intense FOMO. But that might just be too much baggage to unpack in a first encounter. Looks like these two will just have to wait for it a little longer.