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2013
SUNDAY, JUNE 9, 2013
Live at Radio City Music Hall

Best One-Man Sex Scene, Most Underwhelmed Broadway Pet & More Tony Awards We’d Love to See

Best One-Man Sex Scene, Most Underwhelmed Broadway Pet & More Tony Awards We’d Love to See
Tony Awards we'd like to see, from Most Excited Broadway Pet to the Most Disappointing Sex Scene.

On June 9, a select group of theater professionals will join the elite class of performers, writers, directors, choreographers and designers to receive Broadway’s most prestigious honor: a Tony Award. And while we can’t wait to find out who takes home the trophies for Best Actor and Best Actress, we’d like to spruce up the ceremony with additional categories we feel were overlooked. For your consideration, consider these 20 Tony Awards We’d Love to See!

Pet Most Excited About Being on Broadway: Macaco in The Mystery of Edwin Drood

Pet Least Excited About Being on Broadway: The always underwhelmed Cat in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Creepiest Imaginary Friend: Malcolm the doll in Macbeth (runner-up: the title rabbit in Harvey)

Here! Just Take a Trophy for Taking Your Shirt Off Award: Four-way tie for Benjamin Walker in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Billy Magnussen in Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike, Sebastian Stan in Picnic and Cheyenne Jackson in The Performers

Most Misleading Title: Three-way tie for Picnic, Breakfast at Tiffany’s and I’ll Eat You Last—none of which contain any actual eating

Most Stressful Dessert Binge: Bruce's (Jack Broderick) mandatory cake chow-down (Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!) in Matilda

Most Desirable Set Piece: The lavish, mid-century Hollywood bar in The Big Knife

Least Desirable Set Piece: Dr. Jekyll's elaborate collar of Day-glo neck syringes in Jekyll & Hyde

Most Snot-Filled Second Act: Phillip (Tom Sturridge) and Treat's (Ben Foster) epic bawling marathon in Orphans

Most Disappointing Sex Scene: Berry Gordy (Brandon Victor Dixon) and Diana Ross’ (Valisia LeKae) unsuccessful vacation assignation in Motown The Musical

Most Impressive Sex Scene: Alan Cumming’s one-man tryst as he tackles Macbeth and Lady M at the same time

Best Impression of a Drunk Cousin: Carrie Coon's inebriated "I swear I'm listening, I'm not sleeping" shtick as Honey in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Least Necessary Accents: The Annie orphans, who are suddenly and inexplicably from Brooklyn

Best Bikini Body: Kinky Boots angel Charlie Sutton, who looks better in a two-piece than most women

Most Quotable Line: “I’m going to be the MILF of your child!” — lovable porn star Peeps (Ari Graynor) in The Performers

Most Unappealing Prosthetic Nose: Cyrano’s (Douglas Hodge) giant schnoz in Cyrano de Bergerac (runner-up: The Heiress star Jessica Chastain’s nearly undetectable prosthetic, which transformed her from drop dead gorgeous to just plain gorgeous)

Most Chic Silver Wig: Paul Huntley's updo for Holland Taylor in Ann (runner-up: Patti LuPone's silver ponytail in The Anarchist, also designed by Huntley)

Show Most Likely to Have a Celeb in Your Row: Lucky Guy (ours was Morgan Freeman)

Whitney Houston Memorial Diva Award: Billy Porter's "Hold Me in Your Heart" showstopper as Lola in Kinky Boots

Lifetime Achievement Award for Best Arms: Patina Miller's oh-so-ripped guns in Pippin