Ramin Karimloo and Will Swenson Will Never Leave You, Broadway’s Got Balls & More Lessons of the Week

Stop staring at that stupid gold and white blue and black dress—it’s Friday and you have better things to do! Kick off your snowboots and grab a martini, because it’s time for the Lessons of the Week. As always, a bunch of really weird stuff happened on Broadway over the last seven days. Ready to find out what we learned? Let’s do this!

SpongeBob Can Do Jazz Hands
Our favorite absorbent, yellow and porous pal could be trading his pineapple under the sea for the Great White Way. At first, we were confused, but after hearing SpongeBob’s audition for Rock of Ages, we’re intrigued. Plus, with those square pants, we bet his box step is awesome.

Ramin Karimloo & Will Swenson Are Twins
We never pegged Les Miz stars Ramin Karimloo and Will Swenson as the type of guys to plan their outfits, but they showed up to their fight call this week dressed in identical maroon shirts. Guys, we know you’re trying to tell us something, and the answer is yes, we’ll happily produce your gender-reversed revival of Side Show. As long as you both do this at least once during the show.

Lauren Molina Doesn’t Go to the Gym
In this week’s news that makes us want to bang our heads against a toaster, Lauren Molina of The Skivvies (who spends the majority of her life singing songs in her undies) doesn’t go to the gym. Nope. She gets that amazing bod by, oh, just walking a lot. BRB. Oh, just gonna go sob on the treadmill for a couple of hours.

Christian Borle’s Not Getting Married Today
Something Rotten star Christian Borle is so embarrassed about one show he did while wearing a wedding dress that he’s leaving it off of his resume completely. We’ve scoured the web for blackmail photos but have no idea what this show could be. Do you know? Please phone in anonymous tips to 1-800-BROADWAY.

Don’t Try to Buy Kelli Barrett Lunch
We know Doctor Zhivago star Kelli Barrett is a gorgeous gal, but please resist the temptation to buy her a burger from Shake Shack. Even her co-star Tam Mutu has tried to treat her to lunch with no avail. She’s an independent woman, damnit! (Please reroute all Shake Shack orders to 729 Broadway, New York, NY, 10019.)

Wanna Be On Broadway? Take Notes
Before Kyle Taylor Parker was kicking butt as Lola in Broadway’s Kinky Boots, he was selling merch at In the Heights. But while hawking T-shirts, he also spied on the cast’s note sessions and wrote everything down in his notepad. That sounds great, Kyle, but there's something we're confused about. What's a notepad? Is that like an iPad or something?

Adele Dazeem Was All Goldie Hawn’s Fault
John Travolta is off the hook. The whole “Adele Dazeem” incident had nothing to do with him—Goldie Hawn distracted him backstage, and a PA got stuck in an elevator! Now to solve the mystery of who touched Idina’s chin for an uncomfortably long period of time. To the Travolta-mobile!

Miss Trunchbull Hearts Bradley Cooper
No one knows more about the Trunch than Matilda star Christopher Sieber, so we believe him when he says the Crunchem Hall headmistress is crushing hard on Bradley Cooper. She even tries to lure the stud with pie. Trunchie, if you want to win over Bradley, we have a few tips for you.

Kate Baldwin Is Super Slutty
What’s the first word that pops into your head when you think of John & Jen’s Kate Baldwin? Talented? Gorgeous? Sweet? Well, these things are all true, but we also found out she loves playing slutty roles—and she’s never done a show for longer than five months, so you could say she’s had a slutty career, too. Kate, we've got a role with your name all over it.

Yes, You Can Say ‘Balls’ on Broadway.com
A public service announcement for Wicked star Kara Lindsay and all other Broadway.com video bloggers, Ask a Star visitors, Show People guests and Side by Side by Susan Blackwell victims: Yes, you can say “balls” (and pretty much whatever else you want) on Broadway.com. In fact, we encourage it. You’re f*cking welcome.