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Sutton Foster Was a Playground Floozy, Simon Cowell Is from Outer Space and More Lessons of the Week

Sutton Foster Was a Playground Floozy, Simon Cowell Is from Outer Space and More Lessons of the Week
Crystal Bowersox, Simon Cowell and Banana Joe taught us some valuable lessons this week.

T.G.I.F., Broadway fans! Before we head out for happy hour, we’re revisiting the most important lessons we learned over the last seven days on the Great White Way. From Taydina dream casting to Banana Joe’s Broadway debut, check out a few of the crazy, weird and downright awesome things we learned this week.

ScarJo Bombed Her Les Miz Audition
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof star Scarlett Johansson's life isn’t all slinking around in lingerie and checking out Benjamin Walker’s butt. Every time she sees an Anne Hathaway interview, Johansson is reminded that she was passed over for the part of Fantine in the Les Miz movie musical. “I auditioned with laryngitis,” Johansson told us. “I did everything I could to, like, not have laryngitis.” Scarlett, this is Tom Hooper's Les Miz we're talking about. A raspy whisper and some waterworks equals an Oscar nom.

Crystal Bowersox Is Our Next Broadway Idol
Break out your old country records, because American Idol season nine runner-up Crystal Bowersox will make her Broadway debut in Always, Patsy Cline this summer. The news is great for everyone except American Idol alum Bo Bice, whose revival of Pump Boys and Dinettes was postponed this week. Hey Crystal, got any room in the cast for a rocker type with a luxurious mane of Jesus hair? Follow spot operator, usher, dreadlocks stylist, anything?

Ladies, You Will Soon Be on the Same Continent as Ramin Karimloo
Single women and eligible gay bachelors everywhere felt their hearts beat a little faster this week, when it was confirmed that Ramin Karimloo will star in the Toronto production of Les Misérables. While he’s playing prisoner 24601, he’ll be exactly 347 miles away from New York City, which is 3,117 miles closer than his usual digs in London. Ramin, while you’re in North America, please take a hint from your former Phantom co-star Sierra Boggess and come to Broadway! Ramminnnn, that’s all we ask of youuuuuu…

The Ellison-Conlee-Keenan-Bolgers Need to Get Busy played casting director this Valentine’s Day, picking 15 musicals for our favorite stage couples to star in together. From Idina and Taye in Sunday in the Park to Jeremy and Ashley in The Rocky Horror Show, we’re completely serious about our all-in-the-family casting—especially John Ellison Conlee and Celia Keenan-Bolger in The Sound of Music. Come on John and Celia, get to work on some Ellison-Conlee-Keenan-Bolger kids to star as the rest of the Von Trapp clan. No pressure, but we're waiting!

Simon Cowell’s Alien Spaceship Is Circling London

What happens when producers run out of books, movies and documentaries to adapt into musicals? Well, if you’re Simon Cowell, you give your reality show a shot. The X Factor Musical, which is eyeing a West End run, tells the story of a trailer park girl who auditions for Cowell and the rest of the show’s judges. At the end, (spoiler alert!) Simon beams into outer space because he’s an alien. Yes, Cowell approved this. He didn't approve of Jennifer Hudson, but he approved this.

Banana Joe Got His Equity Card
Westminster Dog Show winner Banana Joe made a special cameo in the February 13 performance of The Mystery of Edwin Drood, filling in for star Stephanie J. Block’s own dog Macaco. There’s no way to know if Banana Joe was indeed the murderer (Dickens’ famous novel was left unfinished, after all), but there’s something we just don’t trust about that pooch. Come on, look at those ominous eyes. He’s obviously up to no good.

Norm Lewis Can Sell Anything
Porgy and Bess alum Norm Lewis isn’t your run-of-the-mill Broadway star. When he’s not headlining Lincoln Center's Ragtime concert, he’s a spokesperson for the erectile dysfunction medication Cialis and an aspiring infomercial star (just ask how many times he’s watched the Nopalea juice ad)—plus, he's got Audra McDonald eating M&M's out of the palm of his hand. But wait, there’s more! On Show People, Lewis accepted an ad sales job at and even tried to sell one of our mugs. Norm says Harold Hill is his dream role, but it sounds like he’s living that dream already.

Sutton Foster’s Love Life Peaked in Third Grade

On a very special Valentine’s Day Episode of The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, Sutton Foster revealed that she was quite the little playa in third grade. During an impromptu therapy session with Ferguson, Foster recalled her promiscuous elementary school past. “I had three boyfriends,” Foster admits. “That was a big year.” Fast forward to 2013, where she’s attending a Singles Awareness Dinner (S.A.D.) and hanging out with a bunch of ballerinas. Come back to New York, Sutton! We’ve got thousands of hunks ready to shower you with attention (OK, some of them are gay, but they’re hunks)! P.S. We miss you.

The Performers’ Quickie Run Will Get No Tony Love

We were hoping to see The Performers stars Ari Graynor and Cheyenne Jackson on the list of Tony nominees this year, but it turns out our favorite Little Porn Stars That Could aren't eligible to receive any awards due to the show’s premature, uh…closing. Hey! Cheyenne didn’t do all those crunches for nothing. And Ari's going to be the MILF of your child! Shame on you, Tony Awards Administration Committee. Shame on you!

Christian Borle Has No Patience For Alternative Name Spellings
Christian Borle: Smash star, comic book nerd, spelling Nazi. This week on Side By Side By Susan Blackwell, our host asked Borle a question sent in by a sweet Broadway fan named Abi. “A-B-I?” Borle asked, flabbergasted. “PASS!” The actor was so turned off by the way Abi spelled her name that he refused to answer. All right, B-O-R-L-E, you may be a TV star, but we remember when you were just the “not dead yet” guy. Your diva act may work with Debra Messing, but it ain’t working with us.

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