Bruce Willis Loves Spam Meatloaf, Jessie Mueller Wants to Borrow Five Bucks & More Lessons of the Week

It’s Friday, and you know what that means—pause The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for a sec, because it’s time for the Lessons of the Week! We’re recapping all of the weird stuff that happened on Broadway over the last seven days, from those clumsy Von Trapp kids to Tom Cruise’s obvious desire to become a Dynamo. Ready? OK!

Broadway Is Holding Bruce Willis Captive
We’ve always been Bruce Willis’ number one fan, so we’re thrilled that he’s decided—um, yes, that’s it, decided under his own free will to star on Broadway in Misery opposite Elizabeth Marvel. We’re so thrilled, we’re making him a huge meatloaf with a top-secret special ingredient just for him (Spoiler alert: it’s Spam. And possibly blood.) So excited to have you on Broadway, Bruce!

Death, Dying and Disease Are Super Fun
On a lighter note, Erika Henningsen and the new stars of Les Miserables couldn’t be more psyched to catch diseases, have crazy death scenes, and of course, watch all of their friends get violently murdered in the new revival. Oh, that works out great, because we’re psyched to see you guys in the show! And also see Ramin do this again. But mostly you guys!

Oprah Don't Do Sadness
Speaking of death (wow, this week is depressing), Oprah isn’t going to be starring in Night, Mother after all because she doesn’t want to spend six months thinking about suicide. Totally understandable, O, as long as you still make your Broadway debut opposite Audra McDonald. Why don’t you take a field trip to Eggfartopia so you gals can figure this one out?

Hedwig Is a Lady Who Lunches
We’ve always compared Hedwig to glam rockers like David Bowie and Iggy Pop, but apparently she’s much more like Elaine Stritch. This week, Hedwig co-creator John Cameron Mitchell told us the transgender rock star’s journey is a lot like Stritchy’s solo show At Liberty. Everybody rise (to get spit at)! Rise (for a gummi bear)! Rise (for a glittery car wash)!

Jessie Mueller Needs Some Cash
Guys, Jessie Mueller is no longer a “Natural Woman.” Sigh. She’s departing the cast of Beautiful on March 6—but don’t worry, she says she’ll still be keeping in touch with the cast...to ask them for money. Jessie, what did you do with all that sweet Dollar Friday cash you won? Don’t tell us you spent it all on peanut butter cups.

Laura Benanti & Jeremy Jordan Can Fly
...Well, sorta. The Broadway duo will appear on CBS’ Supergirl, with Jeremy Jordan as Supergirl’s IT whiz co-worker Winslow “Winn” Schott and Benanti as Supergirl’s mom, Alura Zor-El. We assume Supergirl’s mom and Supergirl’s co-worker sing a bunch of really awesome duets together, right CBS? Right?!? (Don't make us break your ankles with a sledgehammer.)

The Von Trapp Kids Were Klutzes
In honor of The Sound of Music film's 50th anniversary, Broadway.com made a list of 50 fun facts about the movie, and it seems like almost half of them are about the Von Trapps falling out of gazebos (how do you even fall out of a gazebo?), toppling out of boats, tripping in the mud and otherwise getting injured during filming. Maybe y’all shouldn’t “Climb Ev’ry Mountain” after all.

Kelly Clarkson Is Ready For Her Close-Up
Is Miss Independent is trying to tell us something? First, she hinted that she’d been wanting to star in Funny Girl ever since she was a tyke. Then she did some jazz hands with Jennifer Nettles backstage at Chicago. Now she’s gushing over Bernadette Peters. Kelly, is it true? From Justin to Kelly: The Musical is coming to Broadway?! Finally!

Kelli O’Hara Had Sex at the Imperial
Speaking of Kellys (well, Kellis), we've always assumed the prolific star of The King and I spends her offstage time vocalizing and sipping Throat Coat. But in reality, she's gettin' it on! The Broadway sweetheart admitted to doing the nasty at the Imperial Theatre with her hubby while starring in Nice Work If You Can Get It. New Les Miz stars, don’t worry about christening those dressing rooms, Kelli’s already gone ahead and done that for you. You're welcome.

Tom Cruise Is a Super Trouper
Nope, Rock of Ages isn’t the only musical Tom Cruise is into—apparently he also loves ABBA, because Chilina Kennedy spotted him in the front row when she was starring in Mamma Mia! on the road. We’re marking our calendars: Only 10 years until Tom can play Sam, Suri can play Sophie and a young, attractive Hollywood starlet can "audition" to play Donna.