Quotable Quotes: 2005 Tony Telecast
WHO: The 2005 Tony host Hugh Jackman, presenters and winners
WHAT: The 59th Annual Tony Awards
WHERE: Radio City Music Hall
WHEN: June 5, 2005
Welcome to the 59th Annual Tony Awards, or as CBS calls them, CSI: Broadway. —Nominee/presenter Bill Crystal opening the show
"In light of recent events, I have a confession to make. I am the son of "Deep Throat." And like the Washington Post exposé, I too was conceived in a parking garage." —Presenter Nathan Lane
"It's such a great audience. I love it—looking out on this crowd I just see so many people who go both ways. Movies and theater." —Host Hugh Jackman
"This fall, Mr. Sharpton will run for class president on a platform of racial equality and macaroni and cheese." —Spelling Bee actress Lisa Howard, portraying facilitator Rona Lisa Peretti, introducing special guest speller competitor, the Rev. Al Sharpton, during their show's number
"Listen, I'm not washin' any more dishes! I can't hold this [Tony] and wash dishes, too!" —Doubt's Adriane Lenox accepting the award for Best Featured Actress in a Play
"I am thrilled to be here and I also have an announcement: I too am head-over-heels in love with Katie Holmes. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love." —Billy Crystal poking fun at Tom Cruise's recent public revelations
"One of the five talented ladies nominated for best performance by a featured actress in a musical is about to get the thrill of a lifetime: A Tony Award. But I thought we should give all of the nominees the thrill of hearing her name read by the mellifluous James Earl Jones." -Presenter Leslie Uggams introducing On Golden Pond co-star James Earl Jones
"I should point out that we'll be doing a few different things tonight, like of the songs from all the nominated musicals will be sung by Beyoncé. In French." —Billy Crystal joking about changes in the proceedings
"Since this is a show about kids trying to please their parents, I just want to say how lucky I am to have a family who makes fun of me no matter what." —Rachel Sheinkin accepting the Best Book of a Musical Tony for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
"I especially want to thank my father. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here today." —Producer James L. Nederlander accepting the Tony Award for Best Revival of a Musical for La Cage aux Folles
"The word revival comes from the Latin root 'Re' meaning again and 'Viv' meaning Lucille Ball's next door neighbor." —David Hyde Pierce presenting Best Revival of a Play
"I wonder if I could just take a second and give my acceptance speech anyway. It's really good!" —Alan Alda jokes while presenting the Tony Award for Best Actress in a Play after losing in his own category earlier in the evening
"This past year Broadway lost two astonishingly versatile and wonderfully clever and socially relevant men. And I lost two very dear friends: Fred Ebb and John Kan, er, and… Cy Coleman. I'm so used to saying those names together." —Presenter Chita Rivera making a mistake while introducing the Sweet Charity number
"Thank you for having this category!" —Ted Sperling accepting the award along with Adam Guettel and Bruce Coughlin for Best Orchestrations for The Light in the Piazza
"What a year on Broadway. The great thing is that live theater is increasing in popularity. Paris Hilton now says instead of a honeymoon video, she's putting on a play. I'd like to see her do that eight times a week." —Host Hugh Jackman
"Oh, I'm glad it's you [who called me], Hugh. For a second I was worried it was Deep Throat... You know, Harvey Fierstein." —Billy Crystal doing a bit on the phone with Hugh Jackman
"Would you be suspicious if I used the teleprompter?" —Spamalot producer Bill Haber stepping to the microphone to accept the Tony Award for Best Musical.
"I hate when people use the awards shows for political means, but I do have a message for Saddam Hussein: For the love of God, switch to boxers." —Presenter Nathan Lane
"Thanks to Sara Ramirez and that dress there are no longer Twelve Angry Men." —Hugh Jackman, commenting on Ramirez's cleavage-baring red gown
"I have to thank my gorgeous, beautiful wife. And I agree with you, she could've done better. But she is my luck." —Spamalot Mike Nichols accepting the award for Best Direction of a Musical and paying tribute to his wife, Diane Sawyer
"Before I grew this fabulous beard I spent more than two years on Broadway singing and dancing as only a woman can." —Presenter Harvey Fierstein on making the transition from his Tony-winning performance in Hairspray to his current starring role in Fiddler on the Roof
"Kathleen Turner, you are genius in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? You and your cast mustn't be missed." —Doubt star Cherry Jones acknowledging her fellow nominee
"I'm having a little bit of a flashback. This time last year I was standing right here dancing with the Rockettes and shaking my tush with Sarah Jessica Parker—sorry about that Matthew. But now I'm about to start another action picture soon, and dancing makes studio executives really, really nervous. After all, I'm Wolverine. And Wolverine does not do high kicks." —Hugh Jackman
"I love working in the world of the theater—safe and dangerous, small and infinite—I am overjoyed to have a place in it." —Doug Hughes accepting the Best Director of a Play award for Doubt
"Oh, and there's one really good joke that I meant to do. It's about Philip Bosco, who's nominated for Twelve Angry Men, which left 11 really angry men. Or there's another one: Twelve Angry Men was the first really big hit… 13 angry men, if you count John Simon." —Billy Crystal
"I thought I was gonna dance up here, but I got all choked up. I thank my mom and dad for the support and the DNA." —Dan Fogler accepting the Best Featured Actor in a Musical Tony for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
"It's really crazy backstage. Just before the show started, Elaine Stritch got into a fight with stage hand, and then inexplicably started squeezing Hugh Jackman's buttocks. And by the time they had sedated her, she had punched out two cops and was holding Norbert Leo Butz hostage, threatening to kill one of his three names." —Nathan Lane
"I feel like crying, cause when I heard my name I just got the joke." —Dirty Rotten Scoundrels star Norbert Leo Butz
"I'm a very, very lucky actor. Thank you so much for not offering this role to Glenn Close or Cher." —Best Actress winner Victoria Clark of The Light in the Piazza
"I step on stage with three ferocious actors each night who are brave and generous, who can make the breath of life out of a cry of the heart. This is Broadway and we do this every night." —Bill Irwin accepting the Tony for Best Performane by an Actor in a Play for Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
"Well... happy. Joy. Fleeting, fleeting. I want to thank the Sisters of Charity for teaching me to read and write. I want to thank the Irish Christian Brothers for throwing me out of high school." —Doubt playwright John Patrick Shanley in his Best Play acceptance speech
"I congratulate the winners. And my love to those who have not won tonight. I just remind you of my motto: Cheer up. Life isn't everything." —Mike Nichols
Compiled by David Drake
